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Sex is an ugly mess – good – but ugly

Sex-tapes and porn sparks this idea, that people are pretty and graceful during sex. It’s a lie. Us normal folk, we’re not.

To get one thing straight, right off the bat, pretty does not equal sexy. Something can be sexy and sensual, but from a different viewpoint, it’s pretty damn ugly. Sex can be very beautiful, but not at all on the “conventional” spectrum. It’s pretty far off the spectrum, it’s like the doodle in the corner of the paper, that the spectrum is drawn on.

I made a sex-tape some years back. We thought it would be fun and awesome, and since we had pretty great sex, we would have to look pretty great too, right?


It looked like an octopus with arthritis was having a fist fight with bread dough. We sat in complete silence watching this, staring at the abomination we just created, tilting our heads to see if we could figure out where all the pretty went.

It wasn’t pretty

I’m fairly flexible, not a lot, but a bit above the average. This has some great perks, since I have the option of some positions that others don’t. It has downsides aswell. It has happened, on multiple occasions, that I have been jump-scared by my own leg. I will not have noticed exactly how close to my face it went, slightly turned my head, and had a big blob of person-part right in my face. Also, just because my legs can go in weird directions, does not mean that they should. Legs flailing in 5 different directions at the same time, that’s not pretty, that’s a health hazard, for everyone involved.

It aint pretty, honey

Stuff looks weird and blobby and most of the time it’s hard to figure out what the hell is going on. Questions like “Where does that even go?!” and “Wait, is that my hand?” or “Where the hell did that come from?” are almost a normal part of every sexual interaction.

You make weird faces. No, it’s not just the face you make when you have an orgasm, it’s the entire fucking time. (Heh, fucking time. Get it? I’m so funny.) When something feels really good, you make a face. When something feels really good, but would be even better if it was a bit to the right, you make a face. When something hurts, you make a face. When something hurts, but in the good way, you make a face. None of these are the same face, and since the sensations can be mere seconds apart, the faces combined makes you look like you are trying to sing along to a song you don’t know the words to. While being completely shit faced drunk. And running.

You have 43 muscles in your face. That’s quite a lot, we need them to express pretty much everything, so of course there is a lot. When you orgasm it’s common that your muscles contract. Not just muscles in your genital area, but your entire body. That means that when you have an orgasm, you have 43 muscles in your face, all dancing for joy in their very own way. You have 43 muscles pulling your face in 43 different directions, you’re lucky you don’t sprain anything. That is not pretty. Orgasm faces can be so goddamn beautiful, but pretty? Hell no.

You aint pretty, honey

Then there are the sounds. Sweet Jesus, the sounds! Air getting trapped sounding like farts, actual farts, moaning that turns into a weird air-out-of-balloon-sound, wet skin against wet skin, things clapping like you were trying to outshine a gospel choir. I’m not even touching that subject any more, I don’t have to.

You also end up in the awkward things. Like your hair getting stuck, hair in mouth, hair in eyes, you accidentally biting down on beard because you didn’t register that it was right in front of your mouth. Then an elbow get’s you right in the stomach, someones knee ends up dangerously close to your nose, you grab on to what you thought was an arm, but given the sound coming from your partner, you’re pretty sure it wasn’t an arm. You fall of something, you get a cramp, something tickles so much that you punch your partner out of sheer reflex. Or punch yourself, I’ve done that a couple of times.


All of the things happen to all of us, all the time. Literally everyone. And yet, we keep on having sex. Because it’s wonderful and awesome and fun. Maybe we should seriously get over our selves and stop thinking about it. I know so many people who talk about how much they think about the way they look, while they are having sex. Myself included, I have a hard time letting completely go. I’m aware of every roll on my body, the way my breasts move, if the sound I just made sounded weird, if I’m making an ugly face right now. I’m worried that my partner wont find me beautiful or pretty or sexy. How unbelievably fucked up is that? Seriously, I am worried that the person I am currently having sex with, a direct result of mutual attraction, is not finding me attractive. I’ve gotten better over the years, it’s easier for me to feel like the sexiest creature alive while having sex, but it’s still rare. I think coming to the realization that sex is just not pretty has helped me a lot, but I completely relate to anyone who doubts themselves. They want to look sexy, they want to look beautiful, then want to make sure that the twinkle in the eye is there, they want to sound like a god. But you know what?

We all do. We look so amazing during sex, the sounds are the best, the orgasm faces are perfect. Sex is such a beautiful experience. It’s beautiful to its core.


But it aint pretty, honey.




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